Forgiving Yourself
Forgiving someone can feel like an insurmountable task. Depending on what you’re forgiving someone for, it can take weeks, months, years or decades. There’s an idea that forgiveness is a destination, and we have to slog it out until we reach this end. I feel like forgiveness is little more like an ongoing journey, sometimes it’s easy, but there are days where it may feel like a sisyphean task!
Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Forgiveness of others is hard work, for sure. What is even harder than forgiving someone else, is forgiving yourself.
I’m hardest on myself when I feel I have not lived up to my own expectations. It’s the same for a lot of people. The inner critic (and incidentally our harshest critic!) has choice words to dissuade us from processing things healthier, but just like white noise, we have to learn to tune it out, and ultimately try to recondition that critic. Recently I completed an exam and performed poorer than I had expected and hoped. I felt like I could spend at least a week dwelling in self-loathing, but let’s be real, that doesn’t sound like a fun way to spend a week in summer.
Here’s the thought process I took myself through to start forgiving myself.
What am I forgiving myself for?
Like any project you start, we need to get a good idea of what we’re working with. What exactly are you disappointed in yourself for? If you’re having trouble articulating exactly what you’re feeling, do what I do - go for a walk, and mull it over.
Assertively state your intention to forgive yourself.
Once you have this in mind and have defined the problem, speak it out loud, or write it in a journal, if you prefer. “I will forgive myself for...xyz. I can forgive myself for… xyz. I am forgiving myself for...xyz.”
Play the devil’s advocate to your inner critic.
That inner critic will start trying to make their voice heard, so start firing back questions, “What if I am worthy of forgiveness? What is the worst that can happen if I forgive myself? Who really benefits if I don’t forgive myself? What is the point of never forgiving myself?”
These hard hitting questions will cast doubt!
Figure out what you can learn from this.
Failing, making mistakes, screwing up, these are absolutely human traits, but so is adapting and learning. “What can you glean from your mistake? What is within your ability to change or control next time?” Even though learning this way is not always pleasant, you’re coming out of this experience with more insight into yourself than before.
Remember:
You’re more than the sum of your mistakes and you’re more than your worst mistake. If you can take something away from your mistakes, learn, grow and reflect, then you will be stronger. Imagine yourself like a phoenix, rising from the ashes.
Forgiveness may not come naturally, but once you have an idea of how to go about it, it becomes easier. As you learn to forgive yourself and let go, life feels a lot better. It’s amazing what you’re capable of when you start treating yourself like a friend.
